Pregnancy: My struggle with bonding

Pregnancy is viewed as this wonderful and amazing time in a woman’s life. We are supposed to glow, feel strong, and most importantly we should be excited! I hate to burst the bubble but pregnancy is so hard!! My journey through pregnancy was relatively easy however, there were so many ups and downs. I dealt with bonding issues, a 12 week long period of uncertainty, and so much doubt.

When I found out I was pregnant, I felt a whirlwind of emotions. First of all I had no idea I could even be pregnant! I went to the doctor for a UTI, something so simple, right? The doctor asked when my last period was and I said February 2nd. So for that reason she says could you be pregnant? I thought about it and told myself well you were five days late last month so that’s probably why you are late now. She asked if I wanted them to do a pregnancy test and I was like sure why not.

When she came back I knew something was wrong. I say this because she was asking about my job, my husband, his job, school, and while she was doing this she was looking at my eyes, ears, throat, and neck. Instant alarms went off and I tried to talk myself down until she asked so what would happen if you were pregnant. BAM, just like that I couldn’t breathe and my mind was racing. I managed to tell her my husband and I would figure it out and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. She said okay that is good to hear because your test was faintly positive.

After leaving her office I got my medicine for my UTI and I went to take a blood test. Somehow I held it together until I got into my car and holy cow I’ve never cried so much. Finally, I called my sister in law and just balled because I was so scared. I had wanted a baby so bad but after I finished my degree, not before. Now my husband and I hadn’t been the safest, so it was bound to happen, but I was devasted.

I got home while trying to fake it over text to my husband that I was fine all while I took three more tests. In my mind I wasn’t pregnant till I saw the proof. Only one showed positive and I tried to face the facts. I laid on the couch for a couple hours just crying here and there. I binged watched some TV shows to pass the time and focus on something other than the news.

By now, my husband was on his way home and I was racing to find a cute way to tell him. I managed to get a highlighter and a piece of copy paper into the bathroom before he walked in. First, I wrote on it “roses are red, violet’s are blue, inside of me beats two hearts for you” along with a picture of a heart beats with a heart in the middle. Then I taped the pregnancy test and braced myself to face him. I wanted him to find out a better way than I had. He was shocked as I, but he was optimistic and excited.

The Announcement

It took about a week before we started getting excited. We told our families, who lived in Texas, that they should visit for thanksgiving. At first they did not understand why. After a minute or two they had their aha moment! They asked Do you have something to tell us? We told them we were pregnant and that the baby would be here around November 7th! They were so excited that we were expecting! When we were ready we announced our pregnancy to everyone!This is how we chose to let everyone know we were expecting! The day prior we posted a riddle to get everyone thinking! This is the riddle that we used:

I can bring a smile to your face,
A tear to your eye,
Or even a thought to your mind.
But, I can’t be seen for the time being.
What am I?

The next day we posted this photo along with this caption “David and I would like to announce the arrival of our little crumb-snatcher Nov. 2016”

My pregnancy was easy, only got sick twice and had zero cravings, but bonding for me was so hard but we will discuss that later. My body changed so slowly, I didn’t pop until 30-32 weeks and I never slowed down. I worked 40 hours or more every week, spending 8 hours a day on my feet. The extra weight and standing on hard floors caused me to have horrible, I mean HORRIBLE, varicose veins. I had veins popping out and my legs looked blue there were so many of them. I couldn’t wear shorts, even though it was a 100, because my coworkers called attention to my legs.

First Kick

I was around 16 weeks when I felt my first kick! At first I was not quite sure what I was feeling. It is hard to explain but I’d say it was a gas bubble that moved in the same spot. Some say it will feel like butterflies however for me, the best explanation would be something poking you. I mean, that’s what was happening anyways. These flutters as most would call them continued to get stronger. My husband began to feel kicks around 20 weeks and he was so excited!

A Bomb was Dropped

While my pregnancy was simple, I struggled with bonding. I was excited to be a mom but I struggled with realizing I was growing a human, a real life human! At the 20-week anatomy scan, we found out we were having a girl! When the doctor followed up with us however, our world was turned upside down. We had chosen not to do any DNA testing because my husband and I believed anything our child had we would deal with.

My doctor informed me the anatomy scan showed some cysts on my daughter’s brain. This was the moment I didn’t hear another word the doctor said. I was alone and all I could hear was cysts, brain, trisomy 18 and all those words are scary words. Trisomy 18 for those of you that do not know is extremely scary. Most babies do not survive birth and if they are born breathing, most children don’t live past their first birthday. Of course, she did the doctor thing and said there is a low chance so don’t worry, yeah right, but we are sending you to a specialist.

We waited a month to see the specialist and it was the worst month of my life. Also, whenever you find something out medically NEVER google it. Holy cow that’s seriously the worst thing you can do. We visited the specialists and of course the cysts were still there and then they were worried because her heart is tilted. Yay! More to freak out about because apparently it could be nothing or another sign of trisomy 18, onto the next specialist.

The Final Answer

I cannot remember how long we waited to see the cardio specialist, I’m sure there is an actual name but I cannot remember sorry guys mom brain, but it felt like forever. Thankfully he found nothing wrong! This was the first piece of good news since the 20-week appointment! We followed back up with the first specialist and the cysts were still there but she thought we were out of the woods, but we’d need to come back one more time.

We went back around 32 weeks and finally got the all clear!!! This whole 12-week journey got me to open my eyes, pray for my daughter, and really bond with her. I prayed and said I would do anything for guidance. That’s when my daughter started kicking more and responding to my touches. Guys, this was the pivotal moment in my pregnancy and happened around 23 weeks.  I am not a godly person by any means, but I felt scared and alone you do anything to try and help. Holy cow did it help and I prayed so much throughout the rest of my pregnancy after that moment. I told myself until they tell us she has it, my baby is perfectly fine. Yes, I had days where I freaked out but overall this is what I told myself.

The Bright Side

Throughout this pregnancy, I had a total of seven ultrasounds throughout all of this and that is seriously the only positive I can find other than bonding with my daughter. I was fortunate enough to get two free 3D ultrasounds.

I would recommend a 3D ultrasound only because it lets you see your baby in a whole new way! So if you can afford it, do it! They make great gifts as well!

All the mamas out there that deal with swelling, nerve pain, hip pain, PUPPS, going to the bathroom every hour, and just being uncomfortable you guys are so amazing.  The journey is so worth it and you are even more of a warrior for going through this with all of those symptoms. Growing a child is hard work and I am sure I will not be so lucky next time. My pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster and after all of this I would do it again the same way because I got my amazing daughter out of it!

After reading this I hope you gained a few lessons. First being that it is OKAY to not bond right away as soon as you find out. Feeling anxious and overwhelmed is normal, growing a human is HUGE! While there are some that will embrace it from day one, it may take you awhile! I took 23 weeks to fully bond and even after pregnancy I still struggled. There will be plenty of time for you to figure everything out! Second, stay positive in the face of negativity and trust your gut! Listen to your doctors and for all that is good DO NOT google whatever awful thing you are thinking about researching. Google is your enemy when you are scared.

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions feel free to comment below! Stay tuned for the next post in my motherhood series, My Birth Story! Join my email list to stay up to date on postings!